


Electric Pills To Remind Me Of You

by HeatofDestiel



Series: Online Angel [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-02
Updated: 2015-09-24
Packaged: 2018-04-12 15:38:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4485055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeatofDestiel/pseuds/HeatofDestiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is trying to recover from all the damage done to him by Castiel. Garth is trying to help, while trying to find the right time to tell Dean about him past. And Cas well, Cas has gone off the rails completely and he certainly isn't done with Dean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sunlight On The Tombstone

*******Hi Guys! I know it has taken me a while to post this 4th installment but times are tough! My laptop has had some trouble so I just gotta pray it keeps working long enough for me to finish this story. Not sure how many chapters it will be right now but I know you will stick with me through it! Please share, comment, enjoy and tell your friends about the story and how amazing you think it is! Enjoy everyone!*******

 

 

Dean woke up in a cold sweat once again, the sound of gunshots echoing from his dreams as he collected his surroundings and settled his breathing out. 6 months and he still could not manage a single night resting easily without painkillers paired with a bottle of whiskey. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and grabbed the container of pills from the side table shoving two into his mouth and craning his head the pain stinging up into his neck.

“Dean? What are you doing up so early?” Garth's voice became clearer as he rolled over in the bed and placed a hand against the slightly damp back, rubbing small circles over the clammy skin knowing exactly what had caused Dean to be awake “Come on, lay back down. We have three more hours until Bobby needs us in the shop.”

Dean closed his eyes, the spot on his back being touched burned and felt wrong but he knew he couldn't tell Garth any of the things he was feeling instead he turned a small attempt at a smile on his lips “Not today uh I think I am gunna go for a run. Stop and see Sammy.” He gave the man a soft kiss on his cheek before standing from the bed and tugging on his running clothing with a bit of struggle as his arm got caught on the sleeve

With a heavy sigh Garth made his way over to Dean and assisted him in putting his shirt on “No way I can make you reconsider staying in bed with me a bit longer?’ He pouted stroking the stubbled chin

“Maybe tomorrow.” Dean looked into the other man’s eyes and could see the hope slowly fading so he leaned forward and placed a romantic kiss against the lips that had become a safe place for Dean “I will be back later, tell Bobby where I went alright?”

Dean jogged down the road feeling the gravel crunching beneath him with each heavy step. The sun was still rising the light just breaking onto the land illuminating the level of fog that hung above the grass, the perfect morning it seemed. Dean let his mind go blank as he ran, passing the empty shops that by noon would be busy and bustling with townspeople. He wished that his mind would be blank all day, that he wouldn't have to remember everything that happened or feel the constant pain in his upper body from the now nasty scarring tissue.

The sign snuck up on him as his feet came to a halt, he had been here near every other day but it was still unreal in his mind. He walked through the rows, noting the flowers and rocks that sat atop the tombstones noting that more and more people had visited, probably due to the holidays, people always became more sentimental around the holidays. Dean sat on the bench he and Bobby had placed beside the dark marble tombstone with his baby brothers name on it.

“Hey Sammy.” patting the cold stone the tears welled into his eyes as they always did “How are things going? Are you having a good time with Mom and Dad?” He clenched his fist and tapped against the top of the stone “Sammy it isn't fair and I don't want to be here. I just. Sam you don't know how bad this whole thing is. Garth is trying he really is, I think he loves me but I can't. How could I ever love someone again? I am a freak and I don't know how he can even love me I say all the wrong things, I scream in my sleep, I snap at him, I need pills to get through the day, I get upset and cry over things that are so stupid I want to kick my own ass and Sammy it isn't fair! I was so close to being happy, I wanted to be with you and Mom and Dad but they pulled me back into this hell hole! Cas through me into this whole mess and you know where he is! In some resort! Being treated like a fucking prince while I can't even get through a day without wanting to be dead!” Dean's hands shook as they covered his face “I want to be dead Sam. I want to stay alive for you, I know you would want me to be alive ya know? Living the life you wanted for me but it's so hard. It is so hard without you here. I don't know how I lived those 4 years before you were born because living these 6 months without you Sammy it's been hell and I want you to be alive. I want my life back.” He looked up catching the sky at the exact shade of blue that haunted his dreams, Castiel blue.

\---

The sun was bright and filtered through the green curtains framing the window, with a groan Castiel sat up. He hated those curtains and the way they reminded him of his former lover. Walking over he yanked them down, breaking the rod that held them, he threw them to the ground and stomped on the fabric until he was satisfied with it's flattened appearance.

“Well aren't you rather angry today.” His roommate Marv said behind his book

“Bite me.” Cas spit out the phrase and grabbed his change of clothes heading for the showers

-

His hair was wet as he sat for his appointment with his lawyer, therapist, doctor and someone else he had never seen or met before. Picking at a loose string on the couch he waited for them to begin speaking

“So how has Mr.Novak been doing in his counseling?” His lawyer spoke

His therapist and doctor exchanged a glance before his doctor cleared his throat

“We are afraid Mr. Novak is not insane by any legal definition, he is rather” his eyes landed on Castiel “A very dangerous sociopath with full knowledge of his actions being wrong he simply doesn't care.”

“I’ve been meeting with Mr.Novak every other day for these past 6 months and there has been no change, he killed Sam Winchester in cold blood and had indeed planned with murder Dean Winchester. I am recommending he be transferred somewhere with higher security, he is a danger to our other patients and our staff.” Castiel's therapist spoke obviously unnerved.

Cas leaned forward and smiled at her “I thought we had a plan Pamela, right? You must have me confused with someone else.”

She shook her head “No Castiel. You are very very disturbed and need more help than we can give you.”

“So what? You are going to lock me away in some tower with America’s most wanted?”

“That's what the courts want Mr.Novak.” His lawyer finally spoke

Narrowing his eyes he looked at each of them “None of you understand me. I haven't done anything wrong! It's Dean's fault! He should be in jail not me! Instead he gets to lounge around his home with his new boyfriend! Look into that guy he had a record a mile long! Take him into jail!” Castiel stood shouting getting closer “You all have it wrong! You aren't listening to me!!” He flipped over the table between them, sending boiling hot coffee into Pamela's face causing her to let out a piercing scream and Castiel being dragged to solitary confinement solidifying his own fate.

\--

Bobby and Garth sat in the office of the shop talking casually about the list of things to get done before close, they knew the elephant in the room and Bobby had to bring it up

“How was he?”

“As well as he has been, woke up cold again avoided talking about it, left to go sit at the cemetery again before the sun was even up.” Garth gave a sigh “I know what he is going through right now, but Bobby he just keeps pushing me away I don’t know how to help anymore. I tried everything, we have tried everything.”

The old man thought for a moment removing his hat “Maybe that's the best thing we can do. Give him some space, let him figure his own self out. Haven't seen him act this way in a long time. Not since John passed away that is.” Putting his hat back on Bobby shrugged “If he wants space, that's what we will give him.”

**  
Garth nodded but he couldn't help but feel his stomach tighten at the thought of having to pull away from Dean, hoping Bobby was right and that things would only improve with time.**


	2. Cold Shoulders and Hot Lips

******* I know guys I have really been slacking with this story but man I have been dead tired and have gotten hung up on a few aspects. BUT luckily I have an amazing Beta and best friend who helped write a part of this chapter!!!! Big thanks to her right!? Alright well please enjoy this raunchy chapter*******

**JUST A WARNING FOR ANYONE WHO IS LIKE 5 AND NEW TO READING FAN FIC BUT THERE IS SMUT IN THIS CHAPTER**

 

****

Dean strolled in around 2 in the afternoon face pale flushed as he sat in Bobby's office across from the older man who had barely glanced up from the papers he was filling out.

“How was your run?”

“The same as usual. Garth take his break yet?”

“Not sure. Go find him I need to finish these before the day ends.”

A bit taken aback by the harsh tone in Bobby's voice Dean shrugged his eyebrows but stood to leave “Anything you want me to do today or is everything solid?” He asked turning back towards the man from the doorway

“No, go rest up. And close the door will you.” He didn’t look up from his papers to see the hurt and confusion written across Dean's face

Silently he left the room shutting the door as he was asked then went searching for Garth. The lanky man stood over an engine arms twisting something inside, what Dean could see of his face looked bored and lonesome as he stared at his hands. Walking up beside Garth he leaned down and kissed his cheek softly

“You take your break yet?” Dean leaned his head against the other man’s his hand resting on the small of the slim back

“Yes. I have to finish this Dean.” Garth snapped gently shoving Dean off of him

“Oh… you gunna come to Bobby's place for dinner again? I was thinking of heading to the store and grabbing something since Bobby doesn't need me.” Dean struggled to maintain his smile as the cold shoulder he received from Garth felt as if it was giving him actual frostbite

“No. Thought I would spend the night alone, get some cleaning done. Sorry.”

“Maybe I could help you clean-”

Garth pushed himself out from atop the engine and looked Dean square in the face, seriousness in his eyes as he spoke “No Dean. I want to do it alone. By myself.” Pushing past Dean he walked to his toolbox slamming the wrench into it.

Taking a step away from the car Dean nodded to himself “Fine. Have fun being by yourself. See you tomorrow Garth.” He turned walking quickly through the shop trying to ignore the looks from the other men who were working.

Stomping into Bobby's house the sting of rejection and being ignored was fresh on his skin as he made his way to his room, hands itching on his cellphone as he opened his contacts. Dean’s body felt numb as he read the name on his screen and saw the smiling face of Sam.

He would have loved to run to his brother in this moment, call him up, get distracted by the stories of Sam's day and the things his classmates had done but that wasn't an option. It would never be an option again because Sam was dead. Dean knew this fact for these past six months yet as he said it over and over in his mind it became more real and the overwhelming sensation of grief overtook him as he threw his phone across the room into a wall. He dug his nails into the skin of his arms looking at the phone then the empty bed beside his. It hadn’t been touched by anyone at Dean's request, part of him still hoping it was all just a nightmare that he would wake up from and that Sammy would walk in asking him to go out and visit their usual hangouts. Dean touched the ruffled sheets moving them aside as he laid on the mattress pressing his face into the pillow that still held the lingering scent of his baby brother. Closing his eyes a tear ran down his face as he felt himself begin to crumble for the second time that day.

 

\--

Garth had felt the extreme guilt throughout his body as he finished the work he was assigned. All he could remember was the night he and Dean had spent together before everything turned to shit, the warm tanned flesh that had sent Garth reeling. Their plan to take things slow hadn't worked very well after they had an argument and damn did Dean look sexy while he was mad. He couldn’t help but remember the way those green eyes looked at him and feel the same flush crawl onto his face; making the split second decision he went into the house and found Dean just sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

“Garth?” The gravely voice sent a twinge through Garth only making his control grow weaker

“Yea Dean?”

“What are you doing?” The man stood stretching exposing the trail of hair that lead down into his jeans, it was as if he was attempting to send Garth over the edge

“Uh I was just coming to see if you wanted to hangout after all… I snapped at you earlier and want to make it up to you.”

“Oh. Yeah sure just let me shower, i feel like crap.”

Garth nodded offering a smile as Dean grabbed his clothes and made his way to the bathroom. He took a seat on the side of Dean’s bed recalling the date and how it had been 5 months since Dean was released from the hospital. The despair Dean had fallen into after being told he wouldn't be able to do anything strenuous including working on cars, the strong physical man had never been in the situation where he couldn't handle carrying a toolbox, it had taken a large part of his ego; it had killed Garth to see him that way, all weak, helpless and depressed. All Garth wanted to do was rebuild the broken man that was Dean Winchester.

\---

Dean leaned against the tiles as the near scalding water hit his back, his mind was a mess and his whole side ached. He glanced down eying the pink circle that hurt far more than its appearance would let on. Quickly washing his hair out he shut off the water stepping out, steam curling around the corners of the room. Holding one side of the towel he ground his teeth the pain shooting through his arm up into his shoulder as he attempted to tie it as he reached for another towel to dry himself off both falling to the floor Dean groaned loudly bending over, hitting his side against the counter

“Fuck!” He screamed holding his side squeezing his eyes shut

“Dean!?” Garth knocked on the door sounding worried “Are you alright? Need help with anything?”

Straightening out and letting out a deep breathe Dean responded “Garth don’t worry. I’m okay just hit my side a bit. I’m fine I will be out in a minute.”

“Okay, just give a holler if you need me.” He heard the voice recede with footsteps

He avoided eye contact with the reflection of himself in the mirror as he struggled pulling his boxers on refusing to even try putting pants back on, let alone a constricting shirt. He opened the bathroom door and stepped out, noting Garth's placement on the far side of his bed, staring at something on the floor in deep thought.

Garth gaze scanned Dean eyes catching on the clear outline of the six pack abdominal muscles. Dean, even after all this time was still sculpted like a Greek God. Standing he walked over to the man and pushed back a wet strand of hair from his forehead getting lost in the forest green eyes, he had missed touching Dean in an intimate way. Gently he placed a kiss on Dean’s cheekbone

“You okay gorgeous?” He kept his voice low, lips lingering beside Dean's ear

Dean nodded slowly as he felt Garth guiding him, laying him down into the pillows placing his own body down beside him, pressing them together. Dean couldn’t ignore the way Garth’s hips were against his side, the way he was half hard and the way the warm lips felt against his neck as they kissed their way up to his ear.

“Garth? You sure you want to do this?”

“Only if you are feeling up to it Dean.” The slender fingers found themselves placed gently over the wound on Dean’s side “It’s been long enough, five months was what the doctor said wasn't it?”

“Yeah” Dean kissed Garth “But I don’t want you giving me any speech about over exerting myself again.” Dean actually smirked against the thin lips at the memory of the last time they attempted to get frisky

“I won't trust me.” Garth began trailing kisses down Dean's torso “You deserve this” Garth placed another kiss “And now” another kiss “I’m going to show you how much you deserve this.” Garth had reached the muscular V of Dean’s hips noticing the swelling that laid right beneath the thin boxers but made his way back up to the wound on his shoulder and placed a delicate kiss as he ran his fingers through the sandy blonde hair on the back of Dean's head.

“Garth” Dean's voice hitched watching the man kiss his way back down to his side giving the matching wound a kiss just as softly as the other

Raising a finger to the parted lips Garth silenced Dean reaching back down to remove the boxers, Dean's cock bobbing out from the constriction onto his stomach. Garth kissed at the sensitive skin on either side of the straining erection enjoying the moans escaping Dean's lips, finding more pleasure from the sounds that erupted from his mouth as Garth took his leaking head into his and began sucking hard. Dean threw his head back as Garth began taking more of him into his mouth humming as more and more of him was in Garth, letting out a salacious groan Dean reached down taking grip of Garth’s head as he sucked.

It wasn’t long before Dean was begging for Garth to do more, releasing him with a pop he reached over to the bedside drawer, pulling out the tube of lube slicking up two fingers. Gently stroking and probing against Dean's hole he gently pushed in past the rings of muscles, burying himself into the tight channel. Slowly he wiggled his fingers, allowing Dean to adjust and resume moaning before adding a third, causing Dean to take fistfulls of the bedsheets around him

“Tell me what you want Dean, talk to me, tell me what you want.” His voice was coated thickly with lust as his own erection pressed tightly against his jeans

“I want you Garth. Please, I want your cock inside of me Garth.” Dean was coming undone as the fingers inside him hit against his prostate causing his back to arch

  
Slipping out his fingers Garth quickly stripped off his pants and boxers throwing them to the side before slathering his cock with lube and slowly sunk into Dean. Holding Dean's hips he slid himself forward into Dean as he started thrusting, pushing Dean onto him until he bottomed out. They made a steady pace before Garth found the pleasure spot again, but once he found it Dean was seeing stars, Garth taking a firm hold of Dean's length as the two worked in tandem building each other up. Dean was the first to give in as the two made eye contact with one final thrust to Dean's prostate and his cum shot out, not long after Garth too came. Sliding out of Dean Garth grabbed a shirt from the floor, cleaning them both up a bit before the two laid back onto the bed; Dean resting against Garth's chest as the other man combed his fingers through his hair, placing a kiss into the still strawberry scented scalp. Dean looked into Garth's dark eyes no words needing to be said as their lips met, this kiss unlike the ones shared that night was deep and passionate leaving Dean with a rosey color in his cheeks as he rested against his lover. Garth cradled Dean to his chest protectively. attempting to shield the man from whatever the world had in store for them. **He would protect Dean no matter what, and that was a promise he would never break.**


	3. Let's Learn About Garth

*******Eyoooo third chapter... You guys are so good at predicting some things so then I gotta go through and change my plot line :P But its okay, this works just as well, also funny thing I wrote the entire ending to this story already and i just wish i could post that buttttt we gotta work our way up y'all. Please enjoy this longish chapter, not sure when I will crank out chapter 4 but hey its all well and good. I will also be trying to finish my Wolf In Sheep's Clothing fic check it out if you are a fan of murder and crazy!Dean, also if you haven't read my one shot Chick Flick you should cause that's just a cute mess ALSO PLEASE SHARE ONLINE ANGEL, BECAUSE I AM SURE ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS WILL LOVE IT AND I WILL LOVE ALL OF YOU OKAY NOW ENJOY*******

 

Things went slowly the next two months, Garth and Bobby did in fact pull away from Dean leaving him be most of the day. Bobby relieving him of work and Garth taking on a second job to actually fill up his time so he genuinely didn't have time for Dean in his life. Dean had begun spending his days staying in bed taking far more pills than he should and staring at the ceiling. Once Bobby found that Dean hadn’t even gotten out of his own bed for two days he informed Garth

****

“What do we do? You said he would figure himself out.”

****

“The plan backfired okay boy. I think Dean needs someone.”

****

“I am here for him.”

****

“No you idijt an actual doctor.”

****

“A shrink?”

****

“They get taught to handle these things right? Grief, depression all that bull crap.”

****

“I doubt Dean will go for it.” Garth wrung his hands feeling to blame for the way Dean was feeling, he had fucked him one day and then left the next claiming he didn't have time to talk

****

“Well tough. That boy is going even if I have to drag my old ass down there and lock him into the room.”

****

Garth nodded as Bobby began clacking away on the computer, searching for a therapist for Dean. Dean was going to get help.

****

\--

****

He hadn’t put up any struggle just climbed into the passenger seat of Bobby's beat up truck. His eyes had deep purple circles, lips bitten and cracked as he scratched at his arm absentmindedly, Dean didn't respond to much when he was told to do something he did it but rarely made eye contact. He followed Bobby and Garth up into the large building taking their seats in an overly pastel waiting room where a teenage girl with large braces looked at them her breath hitching as she noticed Dean's beauty. She tucked her hair behind her ear and stared from afar striking up a cord with Garth who entwined his fingers with Dean's kissing his hand softly

****

“You with me?” He asked softly

****

“I’m with you.” His voice was low and mumbled as he leaned against Garth's warm shoulder

****

Garth gazed at the girl who now held her head down very interested in the magazine with a cake on the front.

****

A smiling woman emerged and waved the group of men in, Bobby stopping short

****

“I’m gunna get some errands done. Look after him.” He patted Garth's shoulder before leaving

****

Escorting Dean in Garth seemed to be the only thing that was left to support the broken man. He didn’t mind the thought of being Dean’s rock, what he depended on most, being the one to mend the pieces of his soul back together.

****

“So Dean, wanna tell me anything before we start?” The lady smiled with bright whites casting her gaze between Dean and Garth waiting for a response as Dean slowly shook his head

****

“Well do you feel up to talking?” Dean shrugged in response

****

“If you ask specific questions he is more likely to answer ma’am” Garth interjected

****

Nodding she wrote something on her notepad

****

“How about you tell me about yourself than.”

****

He gave a slight nod “I’m Garth, moved here a while back from Texas, I work for Bobby he is sorta like Dean's father but not related by blood. Dean and I- we are uh Dean what would you call us?”

****

“Nothing.” Dean snapped, showing the first real emotions all day

****

“What do you mean?” Garth pivoted towards the other man

****

“What do I mean? You literally fucked and dumped me like a piece of trailer trash hooker.” Dean glared daggers into him

****

“This is a great starting point, Dean what have you been feeling since you and Garth were intimate?”

****

“I don't know. Hurt.”

****

“Let’s explore that. You have been hurt in the past right?”

****

Dean scoft “You could say that.”

****

“And Garth do you know about Dean's past and how he has been hurt?” Garth gave a firm nod “Dean what about you, do you know anything about Garth's past?” Everyone in the room notably saw how Garth froze

****

“Actually no. I don’t know anything about his past.” Dean crossed his arms

****

Garth gulped down what felt like boulders resting in his throat as he fooled with the hem on his shirt “Do I have to?”

****

“Yes” Dean was near growling as he cut of the therapist

****

With a great sigh Garth began “My family is large, 9 of us in total. I’m the 7th, and the only son so that was hard enough but my dad he was a man who could look at you and know you did something wrong. My mom she was a peach really just a Godly woman. I had a good childhood, things being considered with raising 9 kids my parents had their hands full. I went to school did what I was suppose to, never caused much trouble.”

****

“Have you had any other serious relationships?” She interrupted

****

He rolled his eyes to her then to Dean, ultimately landing on the floor as his focal point “Her name was Bes. We got together when we were 14, stayed together all throughout high school but then right before we planned to go to school she- her parents- she died.”

****

“That sounds terrible. How did she die if I may ask?”

****

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore okay? I’m fed up with it.” Garth sunk back ignoring the look of now concern and displaced emotions that rested on Dean's face

****

“So now that you know more about him Dean, are you still as hurt by Garth's actions?”

****

“I guess it makes a little sense. I mean I can’t imagine what he went through… I’ve never been through that.”

****

“But you have been through loss correct Dean?”

****

“Yes. And I don’t really wanna talk about it.” Dean shot

****

Sighing she gave the two a sad smile “Okay boys well you can go. I will see you back here next week?”

****

The two nodded and walked out waiting for Bobby's car to appear standing in silence refusing to look at each other or even let their clothing graze

****

\---

****

Garth and Bobby sat in the shop office cups of coffee in their hands as the topic they were suppose to be discussing sat with them talking about some sort of tv show he saw with something he wanted to try. Shifting uncomfortably Bobby cleared his throat shuffling things around on his desk picking up some forms

****

“Damn it!” He exclaimed in anger

****

“What is it Bobby?” Dean asked, eager to see if he could help. The Dean everyone missed was semi-back

****

“These need to be sent out. That damn twing in my knee is springing back up from the driving earlier, and Garth don’t you have to head out to that other job?” He sent lingering looks in Garth's direction urging him to play along

****

“Crap you are right.” Garth sat up

****

“I can do it! I will just run it into town.” Dean took the papers and smiled feeling needed and wanted in the first time these past few weeks

****

“Really Dean? You feelin up to it? I don’t want to put you out.” Bobby's suggested but was met with the shaking head of Dean waving it off

****

“No problem. I will be back later.” He gave another smile their way before exiting

****

Watching both men saw him climb into the impala that had began to collect dust on the other side of the lot and drive away

****

“What the hell happened at that therapy place!?” Bobby shouted

****

Garth held his head in his hands as he leaned against his knees “They asked about her Bobby. That damn woman brought up Bes.” Bobby watched as Garth pulled at his hair breathing picking up a pace as he continued “I-I can't tell Dean.”

****

“Why not?”

****

“Why not!? Why not!? How do you think Dean would look at me once he knew? How would I even tell him huh? Walk up to him and be like ‘oh hey Dean by the way my only other relationship ended because she killed herself because of me!’ that would go over just fucking great!”

****

“She didn’t do it cause of you Garth.”

****

“She said in her note that it was my fault! That I made her! That I pushed her, that all the things I said did that to her made her hate herself that I made her think she wasn't good enough. Imagine Dean if he heard I was just as bad as Cas.”

****

“Now Garth-”

****

“No Bobby! Dean has told me what Cas has said to him in the past and I remember saying the same things to Bes and I have been trying so hard to make up for it with Dean but nothing would matter if he found out I was just like him.”

****

Bobby strode over and took a strong hold of Garth's shoulders, bringing him to his feet making them face to face “You listen to me. You are nothing like that kid the way you treat Dean, the way you care about him it's more than you just trying to make up for something. You can’t keep believing it was all on you, nothing is ever all on one person.”

****

“But Bobby I-”

****

“No more buts goddamnit! What is with you boys and thinking that you can't do anything right? What is your problem with loving yourself and understanding that the world isn't out to get you!? What happened with Bes is a shame, a damn shame and something that shouldn't have happened but it did and it's time you deal with that and get over this unnecessary guilt and move on with your life because you actually have the chance to help someone who is trying to reach you. This isn't a second chance, it isn't a do over for you to avoid the mistakes you made with Bes, Dean is his own person with his own personality and his own problems, problems he is trying to ask for help with. Be there for him, don't compare and contrast anyone with him or yourself because what you two have is different than what you’ve had with whoever has been in your past.”

 ** **  
****Garth surged forward, pressing his face against Bobby's shoulder as they embraced but he couldn’t stop the growing guilt for another secret he was withholding, one far worse than he had revealed to anyone in Kansas. ** **But this secret was no ready to be shared not in this time, not in this place, not while Dean was spiraling into a new low no one had seen before.****


	4. The Difference Between

*******I know I suck at posting but I just haven't been feeling anything man. I wanna thank everyone who is supporting this story and my other ones you guys are the best! I mean go check out the Hits count on Online Angel I MEAN WOW GUYS THANK YOU SO SO MUCH I LOVE YOU ALL PLEASE ENJOY THIS CHAPTER*****  
**

****

Dean avoided Garth for a few days, trying to sort his feelings through questioning if he could even forgive Garth for pulling away as hastily as he did. Pills and whiskey were the best ways to get out of doing anything about his emotions, take a few, a swig of alcohol and he could sleep for the rest of the day and that's just what he did. He would wake, make an appearance to Bobby ask how his day was going, maybe he would go see Sam but day by day he was losing his urge to move from the bed.

Today was different though, much different for him something deep in his being was furious with no given cause. Dean was mad at the birds who sung outside his window, his temper tipped at the lack of eggs in the fridge and he was sent over the edge when he couldn’t find his pills come lunch time.

“Bobby!” Dean had made his way outside his feet pounding the dirt to the shop

“Nice to see you out of bed boy, ready to start work?” Bobby asked with a smile that fell as he noticed the rage filled man stomping towards him

“Where are my pills! Where are my fucking pills!?” Dean shoved the older man back, causing him to lose his footing and stumble on tools left on the ground

“I don’t know! Dean! What's gotten into you?”

 

“I’m in goddamn pain and my pills came up missing!”

“Dean!” Garth yelled from behind the quarreling pair who cast looks at him “I took them.”

Turning his focus now on Garth Dean made his way over, grabbing the taller man by his shirt collar “Where the fuck are they?”

Garth easily pushed the fists away “You ain’t getting them.” He was calm, no true emotion playing across the country features of his face

“It’s not your place to take them away from me!”

“Garth, what's going on?” Bobby questioned

“I found three empty bottles, all prescribed in the past week.” His slender hand pulled out the orange bottles and held them out to Bobby “He is abusing them.”

“I’m in pain! I got shot! It’s none of your business how much I take!” Dean reached for the bottles only to be stopped by Garth’s strong arm

“This isn’t the way you deal with things, with the pain. There are other options.”

“You won't let me buy booze! What the hell else is there? And remember it's none of your business!” Dean was inches from Garth’s face “Now give me my fucking pills.”

“Dean… this isn’t okay.” Bobby muttered, sad old eyes meeting the young man “I don’t know how to help you.”

“Bobby I don’t need help! All I need are my pills, Garth give me my pills!” Dean was exasperated, frustration bringing tears to his eyes as he grabbed hold of Garth’s jacket “Please give them to me. Please just give them to me and leave me alone.”

“I can’t Dean you know this is the best for you.” Garth ran fingers over the back of Dean’s head “I can’t let you keep doing this.” He brought the now crying man to his chest, glancing up at Bobby who had realized his plan had indeed backfired.

-

Garth watched as Dean unravelled once again, having already developed a dependence on the pills that were now being withheld from him but he didn’t stray. He stayed beside Dean each night, holding him, doing whatever he asked or needed wanting desperately to be forgiven for his actions of abandoning him. After three weeks of Nurse Garth Dean was feeling himself pick up a bit in spirits, he was gaining strength back and had seen his doctor to figure out different methods of pain relief. He enjoyed staying at Garth’s apartment that was filled with Sci-Fi books and movies, music always playing- all kinds that the two would dance to while cooking or whenever the mood struck them. For the first time since Sammy was killed, possibly even before then Dean was happy, even though it was spawned from the little things he was happy and his smile not fake.

Garth leaned over the back of the couch and pecked his cheek

“Dean Winchester, penny for your thoughts?” The taller man drawled as he placed the amber colored worn out coin in his hand with a grin on his face

“I think I am happy.” Dean spoke in a whisper, not wanting to let himself truly hear the word

 

“You think?” Garth lumbered over the side of the couch and laid down, legs over Dean’s lap as he put his arm around the broad shoulders “I hope you are happy, because want to know something?”

“Penny for your thoughts Garth?” Dean smiled handing the coin back

“You make me very-” He leaned forward lowering his voice “Very very” He was now inches from Dean’s lips “Happy” He finally finished, placing his mouth onto Dean's pulling him into a deep kiss

The kiss was nice, it was warm and welcoming, everything Dean was searching for but inside himself he knew the feelings he felt for Garth were never going to be remotely close to the level of romantic bliss Castiel had once filled him with. He felt guilty knowing he would probably never feel for Garth the way he should, pulling away slightly he leaned his forehead against Garths staring into the large brown eyes that searched through the green ones across from him. Dean wondered if maybe Garth had already figured his indecisiveness but simply didn’t care? These were all thoughts for another day, instead he pressed his lips back against the companions waiting eagerly for him. They stayed that way for a long time, losing track of all plans they had been thinking of completely losing themselves in the wonders of each other.

Dean laid against Garth's firm chest playing subconsciously with the penny, twirling it between his fingers. His mind was still lost, thinking about the differences between Garth and Cas. When Castiel and Dean were intimate it was rough, hot, and unaffectionate while Garth took his time attempting to fulfill every need Dean could think of before he voiced it, between soft biting and soothing strokes Garth was easily the better lover. That did also speak for the romance between Dean and each man, Cas made Dean’s head spin with the intensity of their love while Garth gave Dean this indescribable warmth a sensation at made his breathe even out, worries fall away and made him want to be a better person, live a better life. **Maybe Garth was just what Dean needed, maybe they both needed each other.**


	5. Screams Of Castiel

*******I am so sorry about how bad I have been at updating but its hard, I have so many ideas for new stories but this one is always staring at me like 'Hey, hey friend, you ready to finish me up? I am sorta missing my whole middle.' and I just keep putting duct tape over its mouth and saying shhhh but I'mma try to finish it guys, I just gotta push through!!!! Your support helps so much and I love reading the comments and all the theories you guys come up with. Don't worry I will finish before I start college, but in the mean time you should totally check out my other stories, Chick Flick and Wolf In Sheeps Clothing. Kudos are always appreciated as are sharing on any forum really! Online Angel has boomed up in views and I couldn't be more proud. Okay wow I am rambling, here is the next chapter!*******

 

****

Castiel sat in his room sketching with the small piece of charcoal they allowed him, he had grown so used to making the deep marks along the cheekbone and brows that he didn’t need to look as his hand dragged them out. This time Dean was smiling with his eyes nearly shut, he was so beautiful even in the now hundreds of sketches Cas hung upon the walls of his cell.

“Mr.Novak you have a visitor. Get dressed.” The large male guard who had been assigned to Castiel didn’t seem to like him very much. All the female guards treated him so well.

He walked out, getting searched by two separate officers before being allowed to sit behind the glass and stare at the stupid man in the cowboy hat.

He could feel the buildup of venom in his voice as he pulled the black phone off the receiver “What are you doing here?”

“I came to talk to you Castiel, that's all.” Garth was calm as he held the phone to his ear

“Why? About what? Has Dean come to his senses and dumped your stupid ass?” He smirked

“No actually, things are getting better for him, both of us. He has been seeing a therapist, he has stopped drinking, he is recovering.”

“Yea well that won't last very long.”

“Why is that?”

“The trial is coming up Garth.” Cas leaned forward, his smirk only growing as he stared at him “He will have to relive every single moment. And when Dean sees me? Forget about it. He will be blackout drunk before 9am.”

“No he won't. I won’t let him get that way because unlike you I care.” Garth leaned forward himself “I care about him more than anything on this Earth.”

“Oh?” Castiel let out a laugh before shooting him a nasty grin that reminded him of a wolf “Even more than Bes?”

Garth's blood went cold and his mouth fell open as he stammered his reply “How do you know about her?”

“Oh please Garth. I may be locked up, and I may have dated Dean but remember I am from a wealthy family, of course I have resources. I know all about Bes and how you drove her to put a rope around that pretty neck of hers. Even found out about how you could still see the rope marks during the wake. Oh but you wouldn’t know about that would you? Seeing as you hightailed it out of town once everyone pointed the blame to you even sweet sweet Bes right? In her note she blamed you.”

“I didn't do anything!”

“You might as well have slid that rope around her neck yourself right? I bet Dean will be doing the same thing by the time you are finished with him. He will probably crack sooner, he tries to act tough but we know he is a weak little bottom bitch. But what are you gunna do? We love that weak little bottom bitch with all we have got. I have news for you Garth, Dean will never be able to love you the way he did me. I consume that kid, he is more me than he will ever be you. I will be the person he thinks of when he touches himself in the dark, I am the taste in his mouth every time you kiss him, anything you try to do with him I have already done it ten times better. So honestly it would be smart if you left now, save yourself the heartbreak really, I am just trying to help you out.”

Garth's fists curled, nails digging deeply into his hands as he tried to keep his now overflowing fury from sending him spiralling out of control. He could take the jabs between him and Dean but Castiel had no right to speak that way about Bes, he had no right to be saying anything about her.

“You don’t get to say her name.” Garth’s voice shook, tears of pure rage brimming to spill

“Bes, bes, bes, bes, bes, bes, bes, bes…” He continued, growing louder until he was screaming as the guards grabbed his arms “You can’t escape the fact he can't love you! It's me! I will always be the one he loves!”

Garth now felt the stares from those around him, well dressed lawyers and guards stood watching the grown man crumble, pushing his seat out from under himself and rushing towards the doors. His knuckles turned white as he gripped the steering wheel of his truck. Garth let out the yell he had withheld in the back of his throat, proceeding to beat the steering wheel with his fists until the sound of Highway To Hell erupted from his phone. Dean.

He took the phone in his hand, noting how strongly they were trembling. Dean’s picture was one Garth had stealthily taken while he watched Dean put together a puzzle, one of a moose and a squirrel he had found at the deli, thinking it would take his mind off the depression nipping away at his mind; Dean resisted at first of course, saying he wasn't into puzzles but the second Garth had appeared to leave the room his hands began moving the pieces into place. Dean’s face was concentrated with a small smile that made Garth smile, he had captured the moment and he was glad he did because in this moment as he was fuming he had clarity.

“Hey, what's up?”

 

“Where are you?” He could hear the confusion and fear that laced Dean’s voice

“I took a drive and lost track of time, I’m a few hours away. What are you doing up?” He glanced at the clock, it was already 9, he had spent far too much time on Castiel

“I had a nightmare. You weren't here and I- I didn’t know where you went and I thought I heard a shot and I’m- Sorry I just freaked out.” Dean had let the terror fill into his voice and that was enough to convince Garth it was time to head straight home

“Don’t be sorry Dean, I will be home as soon as I can. Stay in the apartment okay? Don’t forget to eat something please.”

He could hear rustling and a single heavy sigh “Yeah, okay see you soon.” and with those few words **he knew the kind of day that was ahead of them.**


	6. Corruption On A Shelf

*******Not my usual word count but its whatever guys. I know I have been dragging this story out and I cant make any more promises about when this will be finished. I still have a bunch to do for college before I leave in a week, and on top of that my mouth hurts from dentist visits and I may be getting my wisdom teeth out woo-hoo. So please enjoy this short chapter. Keep with me guys it will all be worth it at the end.*******

 

Dean sat on the edge of the bed, picking away at his finger times. resisting every urge to run to the medicine cabinet and down the pills he knew where in there. Pills to numb the pain, to numb his racing mind, pills to numb out the growing depression eating away at the wall of repression he had worked so hard to build. He brought himself to the floor covering his ears, focusing on his heartbeat he tried to think of other things, good things like Garth and the way he held him late at night. He stroked his own cheek remembering the night he laughed as Garth stared intently at him reasoning that he wanted to count each freckle, unfortunately an old and favored memory of Castiel attempting to do the same thing pushed itself forward and Dean could feel himself get physically sick at the thought of Cas touching him again. The hands that lead to his brothers death, hands that once wore a ring that meant they would be together forever now those hands had stainless steel handcuffs firmly around them.

Sitting up Dean leaned against the bed end and gripped the sheets tightly, in the back of his mind he could still see the bright blue eyed boy he touched for the first time after those months of conversation, that boy was his lover, his confidant, his heart and soul embodied. Yet things had turned out so bad, so wrong at no ones fault but Castiel’s. Dean gathered the strength walking to the bathroom, sitting on the side of the tub, staring at the cabinet. On the other side he knew what awaited him, numb bliss, a hazy wonderland where he didn't have to keep talking, he didn’t have to remember, he didn't have to feel anything about what happened months ago; also on that side laid years of addiction, the pained expressions of his loved ones who had to watch as he deteriorated and broke their hearts, and lastly he could just see the smug look on Cas’ face when Dean was unable to testify due to his drug use, Castiel getting off and being able to sneak back into Dean’s life somehow. The scowl that formed on Dean’s face was enough to scare away any angel who may be watching him, with quick motions he yanked the crystal knob to open the thin wooden door and grabbed the bottle of pills from the center. He twisted the cap off dumping every last one into his palm, his hand trembled as he licked his lips at the sight of what held him in it's grasps and knew it was time for a drastic change.

****

\---

****

Gabriel watched as Castiel drew knowing the storm that would come once he spoke the news.

****

“Gabe has my father said anything about coming to see me?” His voice was cold and seemingly detached as he didn’t even bother to look up from the sheet in front of him

****

“No he hasn't been speaking much. No one has. Balthazar has been trying to avoid the family as much as possible as well.” He took a seat across from Castiel “I am the only one who is going to ever see you Cassie, has Dick been in to see you at all?”

****

Castiel shrugged “He told me he wouldn’t be able to come for a while. Some big thing over in Europe or something. As long as he pays for that lawyer I don’t really care.”

****

The two sat in silence for a while before Castiel raised his head with a slight smirk “I saw Garth today.”

****

“Garth? As in Dean's boyfriend? Why the hell was he here?” Gabriel hadn’t told Cas about him keeping in contact with Dean after everything. Dean had grown to love Gabriel like a brother no matter what his cousin had done.

****

“He wanted to scare me or something don’t really know. I told him the truth and he couldn’t hang with it so he left. Boo-Hoo-Hoo” Castiel set his notebook down and stretched “Gabriel, do you think I am insane?”

****

“I think you need help Cas.” Gabe watched as the lips curled up and Castiel let out a chuckle “Well why do you think I am in this place? To get help. Isn't that what prison is all about, rehabilitating all the wrong doers and bad guys of the world before letting them back out among the public?”

****

Gabe stared at him, he had no idea what to do, his cousin was dangerously sick and obviously didn't grasp how severe it was.

****

“Cas. You killed someone. Almost two people.”

****

“It was suppose to be two people.”

****

“And You are just okay with that? The fact that you have ruined Dean, ruined his life, ruined his future. I thought you loved him, all those years with him.”

****

“I do love him!” Castiel pounded his fists onto his thighs “I love him more than anything on this fucking planet!”

****

“You sure as hell haven't been acting like it!” Gabriel stood, looming over the man “You were going to kill him-”

****

“Because he was trying to leave me Gabe! You gotta look at it from my view! You of all people have to hear me out!” Castiel now stood, wide bulging eyes inches from Gabriel’s face

****

Gabe backed up raising his hands in surrender and took his seat once more eyes fixated on his deranged cousin “Okay Cassie. Okay I will listen to you.”

****

**Castiel sat back down running his hand through his hair, finally preparing to tell Gabriel the whole story. His story, of love, betrayal and how utterly corrupt he really was.**


	7. Plan Plot Formation

*******I am so sorry it has taken me so long! I just started my second year of college but hey I got this chapter done so woohoo right!? I wanna thank everyone for reading and sticking with me! Here is your reward everyone! I know its a 'flashback'- 'explanation' chapter but hey we needed it. So read on and prosper my friends!*******

 

****

_Castiel had always felt a bit lost after the first meeting with Dean. Sure he had loved the whole thing, getting to touch, kiss and know exactly where the boy he loved was but once he returned home he knew something in him had changed. He had no idea what it was, until 2 years later as he sat days before returning to the openness of Kansas._

_He had sat beside Meg who he had reconciled with long ago, the two sharing a cigarette as they waited for Crowley to pick them up. Their feet hung off the metal rooftop they sat upon, this had become his usual weekday after school; he and Meg would leave school as soon as possible, fuck around in this old abandoned lot, smoke like chimneys then part ways. Except recently they had begun doing more, they spoke. They spoke about what seemed to be everything under the sun, from what they wanted to be when they graduated to what they thought people across the globe were doing in that very moment. The topic both always avoided with diligence was Dean. Castiel would merely say he was leaving and Meg knew where he was going and waited until she saw the mop of chocolate brown hair bobbing along in the hallways or knocking on her front door, it was a silent agreement that never needed to be fully brought up._

_“Hey Clarence.” Meg spoke as if she had held these words in like smoke for too long_

_**** _

_“Yes Meg?” The ocean blue orbs glanced over her soft features, her rounded face and black hair she truly was a beautiful girl_

_**** _

_“If you hadn’t fallen in love with him, did I ever have a chance?”_

_**** _

_Castiel furrowed his brow, he had never given much thought to it. What would have happened years ago if he hadn’t gotten drunk? If Meg and him never spoke in the first place? Would he have eventually come to the conclusion he loved Dean or would he simply have done what he felt he was forced to do, get a girlfriend, get a wife, be miserable but not question it?_

_**** _

_“Probably.” Castiel offered taking the last drag from the dying paper and ash before snuffing it out_

_**** _

_She nodded silently with her trademark smirk turning up the right corner of her mouth “Hey Clarence one more thing.” She muttered before pressing her lips to Castiel's sending fire throughout his body_

_He did not turn away, he did not protest, he responded moving himself in time with her leaning his body over hers it all naturally filling in for him. The kissing did not lose any passion as it carried out. Never once did Cas grip himself mentally and shout to stop. He knew he was gay, well he knew he was attracted to Dean but also he was attracted to Meg. Why couldn’t he just have both? Meg while he was home and Dean while visiting Kansas?_

_The shrill honk of a horn flung the two teenagers apart as they scrambled down to meet Crowley who had witnessed the encounter. His eyes followed his sister as she slinked into the car_

_**** _

_“So charming sis.” He drawled out shaking his head earning him the gesture of a middle finger from hands too delicate for such a vulgar thing_

_**** _

_Castiel wiped his mouth off as he approached Crowley, his body language giving away him yet recognized humility and embarrassment. His fists clenched as the larger man pulled him by his shirt collar to a far enough spot Meg wouldn’t hear them._

_**** _

_“Am I high or did I just see you, precious Angel boy, who happens to be gay with his tongue shoved down my Baby Sister's throat?”_

_**** _

_“It’s not what you-”_

_**** _

_“Oh yes yes it better not be what I think because if it is you can count on me calling that boyfriend of yours and telling him all about your little escapade with Meg.” Crowley gripped Cas’ shoulder tightly “She isn't worth it boy. You’ve been with Dean for how long?”_

_**** _

_“2 years” he said with a sigh, heavy guilt finally laying over him_

_**** _

_“2 years and you wanna throw it away for nasty makeout sessions with her? Listen, I know the whole long distance thing must be hell really my heart shatters for you two boys.” He rolled his eyes “But this isn't helping anyone. So Don’t let me catch you two again. You hear me?”_

_**** _

_“I hear you.” Castiel nodded as he watched Crowley go back to his car and with each footstep he knew that things would only be getting worse with each day. He slid into the back seat with Meg fully aware that this was not going to be the last time their lips collided._

_**** _

_-_

_**** _

_The affair continued until Cas moved out to Lawrence. He juggled Meg and Dean until he knew he wouldn't be going back home again, man did Meg cry. He hadn’t expected her to weep the way she did, sure they had been fooling around for years but she knew he would always pick Dean over her._

_**** _

_“You said you loved me! You don’t even like him. Please just, just stay with me we can be happy!” She shouted as he picked up his things from around her place, he hadn’t calculated how much he actually had here._

_**** _

_“I love him Meg I always have. Don’t make a spectacle of yourself. You will find someone else we both know you will.”_

_**** _

_“I don’t want any of them! I want you Castiel does that mean nothing!? If you loved him you would have never started things with me or have kept seeing me!” She pushed him grabbing the front of his shirt balling it up tightly between her fingers as she pressed her head against his chest “Please don’t do this to me. You can’t do this to me. Not you, you love me.”_

_**** _

_“Meg oh hunny” He lifted her chin “I do love you, but I love Dean, he is who I’m going to be with. I always knew that, I thought you did too.”_

_**** _

_“You gave me a ring. I don’t understand why you did this!” She shoved him back causing him to fall into the sofa_

_**** _

_“I wanted both of you, if I could I would keep you both. You knew about Dean and I, you never protested about being my side chick. I honestly don’t understand where this is coming from.”_

_**** _

_“You’re breaking my heart.” Her mascara was running, her pale skin was red and blotchy from crying “Please Cas- Cas I love you, I need you. You’re breaking my heart just stop it. Stop all this and stay with me.”_

_**** _

_Cas looked at the woman before him. He had done this to her, he had the absolute power to destroy her. That's when an absolutely immoral and despicable thought emerged in his mind. Standing he gave her a single kiss on her forehead_

_**** _

_“Goodbye Meg.”_


	8. Fly Birdie Fly

*******YAY FOR FAST UPDATES!!!! So here is another chapter and tbh I think we are almost done with the story guys! Even though I have had the ending typed up for a while... Anyway! Another chapter so enjoy loves.*******

 

Gabriel was confused, he didn’t understand anything.

****

“You cheated on Dean for two years? With a chick? A crazy chick who actually almost screwed up your whole relationship with Dean in the first place?”

****

“I don’t really see it as cheating. It would have been worse if I had started a relationship with someone I actually saw myself having a future with but it's okay cause it was just Meg.” Castiel shrugged

****

“Just Meg? Just Meg! Castiel you broke her! She got into drugs, she nearly died! You ran her into the gutter where she has barely been able to live since you did that to her. How can you be so heartless? How? I-I saw you cry over Dean, I brought you to him. I thought you loved him.” Gabe shook his head

****

“I do love him! I love him the most out of everyone on the planet! He is the one who doesn't love me!”

****

“Yeah well he shouldn't! You are a fucking lunatic!” Gabriel was at a loss for what to no about Cas, knowing he wasn’t completely done with his story

****

The deranged man gave a heavy sigh, placing his chin in his palm waiting for Gabe to recollect himself “Would you please stop saying this like that. I don’t think you would enjoy being called those names so why are you calling me them?” Castiel’s voice was tired, recanting and trying to effectively get Gabriel to understand where he was coming from was a lot harder than he previously thought it would be. He watched as Gabriel wiped his hands on his jeans, scoffing as he shook his head and rolling his wrist signalling for Cas to continue his tale

****

\--

****

_Castiel laid beside a knocked out Dean, sleeping pills prescribed to help with the growing insomnia after John passed away. He ran hands through the thick hair, rubbing it gently between his fingertips before letting it fall back into place. Dean had an arm firmly grasped on Cas’ hip bone, this is how they had begun sleeping since Cas visited, always touching, never apart always together. Castiel attempted to comprehend in some fashion the extent of Dean's pain but he found himself drawing blanks. When Dean cried all he could do was hold him and just try to console him, it seemed to be working. Dean showered Cas with compliments and praise_

_**** _

_“You are so wonderful. I love you so much. How could I ever get so lucky? You are everything I could ever want. I love you no matter what. I will always love you.”_

_**** _

_These kind phrases only solidified what Castiel had been thinking of, what Meg had helped place in his mind. He would always have Dean._

_**** _

-

****

“I still don’t get it Cas. I really don’t understand where you are going with this. If you just want to talk about your fond moments with Dean find someone else because I think what you have done is just sick and I refuse to keep helping you live this delusion that he loves you!” Gabriel was frustrated, understandably so. He had listened to Cas but still didn’t understand how it was ‘his side of the story.’

****

“Gabriel! It's clear don’t you see it?”

****

“No! I just said that are you not listening?”

****

Castiel groaned leaning closer to his cousin and taking grip of his hands “Meg. She made me realize it.”

****

“Realize what Cassie?”

****

“I broke her heart.”

****

“Yea we established that one. Shouldn’t be exactly proud of that FYI.”

****

“You are missing the point here Gabriel. _**I**_ broke her heart. Have you ever broken a heart? I brought that girl to her knees! With a handful of false statements of love and then announcing my departure, she crumbled.” Castiel’s eyes searched through the scared brown counterparts across from his for sight of understanding “She begged, she would do anything for me and I bet- I bet Gabe that if I went to Dean right now, he would still love me too! He would do _**anything**_ for me, He would _**forgive**_ me.”

****

“You killed his brother. He would never forgive you.” Gabriel pulled away, sickened by Castiel’s touch, wanting to scrub his skin with holy water

****

“He loves me, all those years together. He will never have someone else like me. He will never be able to live without the thought of me, I am his world, his life. I am all he has left.”

****

“He has Garth. You are sick Cas. Really sick.”

****

Castiel laughed loudly, it was out of place and sent all the wrong shivers through Gabe’s body “Garth? You really think that will last? No I’m telling you now by the end of the trial they will be over. If not sooner.” His eyes dulled over, darkening showing the true madness behind them.

****

\---

****

Garth had the worst feeling in the pit of his stomach as he parked the car. He had prepared himself for what he thought was the worst as he opened the door to his apartment, he pictured finding Dean dead in a million ways some more heartbreaking than others but when he stood in the living room he found something he hadn’t even given a thought to. Suitcases.

****

Dean's eyes twitched watching Garth put 1 and 1 together about what was going on. He had flushed those damn pills, he wouldn’t be part of that world again, he refused to be part of that world again.

****

“Dean?” Garth's mouth was dry and his keys dug into his palm “What’s going on?”

****

“I um. I had a thought.” His voice was low, as if his volume would make the blow any less hard on either of them “Maybe- Maybe it would be a good idea if I get out of Lawrence for a bit.”

****

“And go where? The trial could start at any time Dean, do you really think it would be smart to go out on your own?”

****

“I found a farm, a few hours north of here, they need someone to help out with things. I just- I think it might be a good idea. You know? Get out in the fresh air, work through my problems.” Dean picked at his nail bed “I can’t stay here anymore Garth. All I think of is Sam and this damn town it- it's filled with him. Everywhere I turn I expect him to be there but he isn't he is packed in the dirt down the road and Garth I can't do it I just can't anymore.”

 

Garth embraced Dean gripping the bottom of his head pressing them together “Dean…” He lost any words he was going to say. He wasn’t sure how he would manage without him but he knew he had to. **If he wanted Dean to get better he knew this was the best thing for him.**


	9. Back To Nothing

*******GUYS LIKE 2 MORE CHAPTERS LEFT FUCKING AHHHHHHHHHH*******

 

****

The months flew past and before Dean could even blink he got the phone call. The trial was set to begin in a few days, Dean would have to recount his whole tale of how Castiel, the boy he once loved had turned into the killer of his brother. He wasn’t looking forward to being back in Kansas, but was thrilled when Garth agreed to open his house to him once again. They had only seen each other once since Dean left but both understood the need for the separation. Dean drove down through the thin flogged layer that covered Lawrence the afternoon after he got the call. The law team wanted to prep him on what types of questions he would be asked and to make sure he could still accurately recall the events from ages ago; but for Dean, he remembered it all in such vivid detail as if he had just experienced it. As if just yesterday he and Sam were sitting together, as if they had just been fighting, as if he hadn't gone all this time without his baby brother. Dean wanted to put an end to this and locking Castiel away would finally do it, right?

\--

They drilled him. Hours on top of hours for the past two days Dean described everything, attempted to not mix up events out of order, trying to do all in his power to stick it to Castiel in every way he could. Garth was also being called as a witness to speak on Castiel’s character things seemed to be much easier for everyone to talk about. People kept speaking about Sam and how he was a smart kid with a lot going for him but no one spoke about his soft nature, or how he had a loving fiance and how his death affected Dean. But Dean didn’t speak up, he didn’t want to make a fuss he just wanted things to go smoothly and be done with it. The trial would begin in tomorrow at the courthouse in Topeka, Castiel's trial would be broadcast as he was considered high profile. Dean wondered if Dick would show up for the trial, maybe speak on Cas’ behalf or leave him to hang out to dry. All Dean knew was things were going to get very messy in the morning and let his mind wonder to what Castiel would look like as he stood before the cameras. Would he smile for Dean? Maybe for Dick? Maybe he will look sickly and as if he is being mistreated. Doubts crawled across Dean’s mind, could he withstand seeing Cas like that? Could Dean even withstand seeing Cas again? Tomorrow would hold the answers.

\---

He stood, hair neatly combed and face freshly lit up, the same gummy smile as always. Castiel was better than ever by all appearances looking a fair bit better than Dean who wore heavy bags under his eyes that almost matched the deep purple of his tie. He barely slept, doubts of today too loud in his mind to allow him to rest comfortably. The trial was underway, cameras clicked as the lawyers went back and forth, reviewing the evidence making points. Dean watched the live footage as he waited outside to be called in to give his testimony against Cas. The Grand Jury seemed to like both Castiel and his lawyer, who made jokes and jabs about Dean and his upbringing, earning multiple objections and fowl looks from the Prosecutor. It seemed forever before they called the first witness, Michael Novak walked tall, slicked black hair clashed with the same blue eyes Castiel wore. The air of confidence that followed him struck a painful chord within Dean, instilling fear. He had met Michael a handful of times, none ever went well and ever ended in a happy way Michael considered him lower class, uneducated and therefore not worth his time. Everyone watched as he took his spot in the witness box, the charmed life smile resting on his lips as he playfully eyed over the women of the Grand Jury seeming to melt their hearts with a simple gaze.

“Mr. Novak, can you tell us your relation to the Defendant, Castiel Novak?” The US Defense Attorney pointed towards a childish looking Castiel

“I am his older brother.”

“Can you please tell the court about what Mr.Novak was like as a child?”

“Castiel was smart, always got fairly good grades in school, cleaned his room listened when he was told what to do.” Michael paused “Until he met Dean though. Then he became a no good brat who refused to listen.”

“What about behaviorally as a child? Did Mr.Novak ever show any emotional or mental problems or disturbances?”

Michael thought for a moment, pursing his lips before nodding slightly “Yes he had severe emotional disturbances. He saw psychiatrists for years until he hit puberty.”

“Why did he stop going exactly?”

“He stopped wanting to go, he hadn’t liked the reaction he got from his psychiatrist after disclosing something. At least that's what my father told me.”

“Now can you tell us more about his emotional disturbances?”

“Certainly. Well when Castiel was around 4 my brother and I caught him hiding something in a hole in the backyard. It was a dead bird, completely plucked not even it's eyes left. We ruled it off as just childhood curiosity but unfortunately when Castiel was 7 we found a skinned cat with burned flesh in the backyard as well. That's when our father stepped in and sought help for him, he saw 3 psychiatrists I believe.”

“So the defendant Mr. Novak showed clear signs of sociopathic behavior. Thank you Mr. Novak, one more question for you can you please tell the courts, was the defendant Castiel Novak ever physically abused?”

The court stilled, waiting for the answer. Michael’s confident demeanor changed in that instant and he seemed to bear the weight of the family shame

“Yes.”

“By who and when did this abuse occur and for how long?”

“The abuse we believe to have occurred from the time Castiel was born until the age of 8. One of the maids was accused and dealt with by my father. We were told it was a gruesome affair that Castiel repressed greatly. He had come to me when he was 16 though, I assume it was after his first intimate relations with Dean Winchester, asking questions about urges he had or why he responded to things in certain ways.”

“Thank you Mr. Novak you can step down.” The Attorney turned to The Judge “We would like to call Dean Winchester to the stand.”

 **  
**Dean's hands shook. It was time. The large pine doors opened, his forest green eyes snapped to find the blue ocean company they loved to keep. **Castiel smiled as if it was that first day they met and suddenly Dean found it hard to keep his thoughts straight, what would he do?**


	10. These Electric Pills Will Always Remind Me of You

********GUYS I CHOSE TO CONSOLIDATE THESE TWO LAST CHAPTERS CAUSE YA IN FOR A WILD RIDE. PLEASE ENJOY. I LOVE ALL OF YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH TO THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN WITH ME SINCE ONLINE ANGEL YOU GUYS KEEP ME GOING! PLEASE ENJOY AND DON'T HATE ME TOO MUCH!!!!!!*******

 

“Mr. Winchester will you point out the person who shot your younger brother Samuel Winchester and held you prisoner.”

Dean pointed shakily to Castiel

“The court will note that Mr. Winchester has identified the defendant Castiel Novak.”

“Now Mr. Winchester please begin to tell the court the course of events in question occurred.”

Dean looked like someone was pushing him off a cliff. He avoided eye contact as tears began to run once more, he opened his mouth to speak only to be interrupted as a bullet shot through the room. Women screamed, guards shouted, people panicked trying to find who had been the shooter and who had been the target. Dean’s eyes shot to find Castiel who sat with a smile watching him, unfazed by the panic, he knew this was going to happen. An after thought rang out in his mind _Where was Garth?_

\---

It was solemn as an officer lead Dean out of the courtroom, not even news reporters spoke, seeing the utter grief and despair written on the young man’s face. The bullet had been meant for Dean, one of Castiel’s crazed supporters who had chosen a seat beside Garth unaware of who he was. Garth saw the draw of the gun and twisted the woman’s arm with only moments to spare as her finger pressed the trigger sending a bullet straight into Garth's chest, killing him in minutes.

The trial was dismissed, Dean’s lawyers saying they wouldn't have to call him again and that the court had seen enough. Both teams decided to finish the suit privately in the judge’s quarters. The world sat silent for nearly two months waiting on a final decision to be made on the sentencing of Castiel Novak.

 

Dean caught the broadcast on TV a day before he was leaving for the farm. A Death Row sentence. He fell to his knees unable to breathe sending a prayer to Sam _he had done it, he had done it for him._

\----

Castiel felt something snap in the back of his mind as his sentence was read. Death Row. Death Row. Death Row. That's where he would spend his life, the rest of his days. No marriage, no redemption for his sins, he would spend every 24 hours staring at grey walls amongst the worst killers in the state. Castiel turned to one of the live cameras and smiled sending it to Dean. He knew Dean would be watching, Dean had to be watching.

“Mr. Novak! Any comments?” A blonde reporter asked shoving a microphone in his face while they dragged him to a van

“Tell Dean to go back to where we first met. I left him a gift.”

\----

Dean scrambled for the computer on the bed, logging on to the old site surprising himself at his memory of the password. Hesitantly he clicked upon his inbox, his old messages with Cas pulling up dragging a knife through him as he had to scroll to the bottom.

A drawing. A detailed Sam depicted as an angel, Castiel sitting in a room of flames below and Dean being pulled between both and a message attached

**_My Dear Dean,_ **

****

**_You have seen the news. Where I am going and that I will never get out. I want to explain my actions to you Dean, I want to share with you my thoughts. I never intended to harm you this way, you are my heaven, my hell and the purgatory I have lived in all these years. You gave everything to me, you trusted me, put total faith in who I was and even though time after time I broke your heart you came back to me. I wish I could love nearly as furiously as you do, I wish we could of lived another life, where we lasted and were happy. So as I rot in prison, send me letters, call me and remind me of the pain you feel keep me alive until they flip that switch on me. Oh, so sorry about Garth by the way, a tragedy I hadn’t planned on. I genuinely hope you know I did everything with you in mind, for you Dean. You are everything to me. I love you Dean Winchester. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part. I’ll see you around._ **

 

\-----

It was abnormally warm for 8am in December as Dean walked slowly through the concrete halls, his heart beating a mile a minute as he came closer and closer to the door he knew was his stop. He had come alone knowing the state of all Castiel’s other relationships, he would be the only one in the room that held a personal connection to him. The officers patted him down more than once, having him turn his pockets out and untuck his blue button down from his slacks assuring he wasn't hiding a weapon.

“Mr. Winchester” Castiels lawyer nodded in his direction as they stood outside the door “How are you feeling?”

Dean shrugged twisting some piece of fuzz from his pocket between his fingers “As about alright as I can be.”

“I am deeply sorry for the events. I don’t believe I ever told you that, but I am deeply sorry.”

It had taken years but he was finally at peace with the events. His life was back onto a semi-normal track he held down a job, lived on his own and had managed to sleep through the night with no nightmares. Dean shook the older man’s hand firmly

“Thank you, it means a lot.” he smiled weakly

Over the whole trial Dean learned that when people offered apologies even when they had nothing to truly be sorry for he should accept it, just as when people offered prayers- it was all they could offer him. He hadn’t met anyone in his exact position, yes people who had lost a sibling or had a love one try to hurt them but he had yet to come across someone with a similar tale. He was one of a kind Dean Winchester, and he was never quite sure if that was a good thing or not.

“Gentlemen, it's time.” the rough voice of the officer beside them spoke as he opened the door

Dean watched as they finished strapping Cas down, his body thin, his hair grown out, deep bags under his eyes distorting him into a different man but the entire time he stared through the glass, seeming to follow Dean wherever he moved. He was well aware that there was no chance Castiel could see him but somehow he always made eye contact. The slightest smile played upon the thin lips, revealing the gummy grin that use to make Dean go weak in his knees, memories of their fond times reeling back into the front of his mind.

_“Oh Dean Winchesterrrr” Castiel sing songed as he shut the door to the cramped New York apartment behind him “Where oh where could my handsome man be?” He peeked over the couch, pouting at the lack of Winchester to be found_

__

_Jumping Castiel shrieked as two strong grease covered arms picked him up off the ground and spun him_

__

_“Dean!!!” He let out a laugh and clung to the strong arms “Put me down!”_

__

_“I don’t know if I want to.” Dean smirked before placing him onto the couch and rolling atop him “You look good with my arms around you, and you know how I love to make you scream my name.” Dean kissed him roughly biting the soft lower lip of the man beneath him_

__

_Cas ran a hand up the back of Dean’s shirt then dragging it back to the front and down to the button of his jeans “You’re such a perv you know that?”_

__

_Dean laughed, throwing his head back “Says the guy with his hand down my pants.”_

__

_“Hey it's not down your pants… yet.” Cas smirked kissing Dean heatedly, forcing his tongue into the welcoming mouth_

 

That was one of the best days they ever had in New York, one of the best days of Dean's whole life. If he closed his eyes he could still smell the axe cologne Cas wore and the way their bodies had seemed to be made for each other. In more ways than one he missed Castiel and the love they once shared, as much as he hated to think of it now after everything that had happened Dean knew deep down he wished he and Castiel had ended up together, the happy couple that persevered but he knew if it wasn't the events that occurred it would have been something else. As he stared at Castiel, strapped to a chair wearing that helmet, he saw not the face of a now 40 year old man but the meak 15 year old he had fallen for.

_“Cas?” Dean mumbled eyes still foggy and head pounding. Yesterday was his father's funeral, his father was dead. Castiel had flown in to be there for the boy he loved, he had held him through the hours of crying and trying to be strong for Sam. He was all Dean ever wanted, ever needed in his life when tough times came._

__

_“What's wrong baby?” Cas rolled over and pressed his head against the cool shoulder beside him_

__

_“Are you going to leave? Like would you ever stop loving me and leave?” Dean admitted that in the few years he and Cas had been together that his fears were fading, the longer they stayed together the less likely it was that a problem would arise his young mind concluded_

__

_Castiel propped himself up on a pillow and his elbow and gently turned Dean’s face towards his stroking the slight stubble growing on his cheek “Dean there are only a couple things I know for certain in this world.” He leaned down and gave him a soft kiss “One. You love Batman. Two. You hate planes. Three. I would stop breathing before I stop loving you.” He slid his lips back into place with Dean's reassuring all worries and making it clear that this was where they would always belong_

“They are about to begin.” Castiel's lawyer whispered, patting Dean on the shoulder

Dean was frozen, he was so lost in memories he didn't have enough time to take in the last moments of the beautiful face in front of him. Dean pressed his hand against the glass realizing he was crying. Cas began to shed a tear

“I love you.” Was all he managed before the electricity crackled and lifeless blue eyes stared at him.

He couldn't move as he watched a postmortem twitch surge through Castiel's fingers. Fingers he had held, kissed, fingers that had touched Dean in ways no one else would ever be allowed to because Castiel was special. He would always be Dean's Angel nothing could change that or the thundering of emotions Cas drove through Dean like a freight train.

\--

Dean drove back to his apartment slowly, numb filtering out lyrics of songs on the radio. He had made peace with the events, but never with himself. In the back of his mind he had always been thinking maybe if he had done something different, if he had changed himself if they never moved to New York would things have been different? Dean understood that Castiel's mental problems were not something that could just be fixed, they were deep rooted in years of abuse and wrongly crossed parts of his brain but he couldn’t help but blame himself.

His apartment was cold, refusing to let even a bit of the heat in from outside. His bed was made with tightly tucked sheets and perfectly fluffed pillows that invited him to lay down and dream but the bathroom cabinet won him over. His now bare feet stung against the ice tiles as he opened the cabinet and grabbed the old bottle of pain pills. He had been so good, staying away from them, staying on track managing his out of control life but when it came down to the wire Dean knew the way his story was suppose to end. Slowly he collected the photo frames of those he loved the most; dearly departed Bobby and Rufus, the family he lost too soon Sammy, John and Mary, deep eyed Garth that he had lost too soon, sat with a bright birthday hat on and lastly the most precious picture of all, himself and Castiel with their engagement rings on proudly as they smiled in front of the impala. Pulling out the printed copy of the letter Castiel had sent Dean before he was locked away, Dean read it word for word his voice breaking for deep heavy sobs he knew it was time. Taking the full bottle of pills and quick chugs of whiskey from under the sink Dean lied back on his perfect bed and placed the photos around him.

**He would see them all soon.**

*******Okay guys so... this series is over. I am so proud of myself and all of you for following my soap opera drama. Please be on the look out for my new fanfics that I will begin working on as soon as possible!! Thank you again for everything!*******

 


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